


Every Way of Longing

by AQLM



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Desire, Drabble Collection, F/F, F/M, Gen, Sad and Happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:40:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27351355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AQLM/pseuds/AQLM
Summary: A collection of drabbles that encompass various relationships between Shepard and her crew. They are at different points in time. Some are romantic. Some are not. Some are shorter. Some are longer. All are femshep.Based on the wonderful idea written here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2525096 by skyelyr_shepard
Relationships: EDI & Female Shepard, Female Shepard & Ashley Williams, Female Shepard & Mordin Solus, Female Shepard & Urdnot Wrex, Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian, Female Shepard/Liara T'Soni, Female Shepard/Samantha Traynor, Illusive Man | Jack Harper & Female Shepard, Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard, Karin Chakwas & Female Shepard, Miranda Lawson & Female Shepard, Samara/Female Shepard (Mass Effect), Thane Krios/Female Shepard, Zaeed Massani/Female Shepard
Comments: 1
Kudos: 28





	1. Garrus Vakarian

He would kill for her. More than what he did each day. At her behest he put his bullets through the heads of every enemy she desired. Geth. Collector. Cerberus. Reaper. No, more than this. He would rewrite the galaxy in blood for her. He would pick up his rifle and never stop pulling the trigger until there were no more to challenge her. 

He watches her wither, physically. Mentally. Spiritually. He can offer anything and everything he has. He does, every day, every night. She always looks through him when she turns him down. There’s nothing for her here or anywhere in this galaxy.

He would burn it all down if it gave her peace.


	2. Ashley Williams

She meant every word of what she said on Horizon. She meant those first seconds of incautious embrace followed by her shock, fear, and gladness colliding like stars. Cerberus was the enemy, which meant that the savior of the Citadel was now her adversary. The only woman who had ever shown her kindness was now throwing their relationship back in her face. It took more strength than she would ever admit to walk away and maintain her distance. 

Shepard never knew how Ashley had sat in a bunk on the Jump Zero, staring at the wall, wondering where she would go next. She never divulged she considered going back to some forgotten post in the darkest part of the traverse so that she’d never have to answer a question about Shepard again. She never wanted to hear the name, see the face, admit that she had failed and let Shepard go. Pretending Shepard was the enemy made that act of private betrayal easier, somehow. 

The Normandy is sweeping down and Ashley knows she needs to stay behind. Earth is falling and that means one of the best soldiers in the Alliance should be there to fight on the front lines. Getting off that ship and onto the ground is the easy choice. Staying on the Normandy means confronting all they lost and all they are.

Time to stop running.


	3. Kaidan Alenko

He hadn’t had much luck with women since brain camp. Hadn’t had time, hadn’t made time, hadn’t seen the point. With Shepard there his body and heart drew him into a fate twisted against the backdrop of their war. That was how they would be. Every battle was a coupling and every gunfight was a kiss. They never had a moment where the universe stayed still long enough for them to breathe in silence. They hadn’t had a single date off of the Normandy before she died.

He wants it different this time around. He makes sure they dine on the citadel and take walks on the Presidium. He makes sure they look out of the windows on the Normandy, not only to inspect another ruined planet. He wishes there were more places to bring her. He heard Thessia was beyond beautiful, Palaven was breathtaking, and Beckenstein a glittering hub. He wants her to see his Earth, not the one that spat her out into the streets and then into the stars. She would have mocked him had he laid out his grand and romantic plans. Instead they make their time in tangled up Alliance-issue sheets and fleeting conversations wherever they can fit.

He would walk through the rubble of a thousand dead worlds if it meant he could be beside her.


	4. Samantha Traynor

Samantha considered the moment when Shepard said the word, “Fraternization.” The smirk twisting on her dark brown lips accompanied a cold sweep of Samantha’s body. It was a mocking appraisal of Samantha that brought with it a profound sense of violation. All the things Samantha had said in private and all the ways she offered herself to Shepard were now splayed out in front of her. The push of a gloved hand that removed Samantha from the ship might as well have been a slap.

Then the woman in front of her, handling Samantha’s rage and shame, smiling with her usual tolerance. The kiss she forced on Samantha was unwelcome for a millisecond before the feel of it washed her betrayal away. Another gloved hand on her skin, a single fingertip on her lips.

“Wasn’t me. Evil clone.”

Samantha spent the night clutching Shepard, making her promise to keep all her secrets. Shepard, tired and loving as always, reassured her through word and deed. She smoothed over the hurt and dismissed the doubt.

Samantha wished she could do the same.


	5. Samara

She would have made a formidable matriarch. Her strength, her conviction, her charisma, and her prowess blossomed early in the human’s short life. Samara imagined sitting at her feet, absorbing the wisdom she set forth. She imagined following her from planet to planet, converting those who disbelieved and eventually molding the asari in her image. If cultivated and purified, she could not have merely united the asari. She could have ruled Thessia. 

That would have been preferable to being a justicar. All the peace that Samara found in killing the unjust and righting wrongs could have been replaced by serving this woman. She didn’t need the Code when she was near Shepard. Her purpose, her leadership, and her faith in Samara made this mission more powerful than any she had achieved before. Her unquestioning aid in subduing Morinth solidified Samara’s reverence even more. 

She would never break the Oath of Subsumation, not when it gave her so much joy.


	6. Miranda Lawson

It was how she looked at Miranda. There was always a sense of compassionate impatience, an exasperated smile, and words of urging. If Miranda couldn’t see her worth, argued Shepard, then it would be Shepard’s job to do it for her. Miranda was never a tool. She was another crewmember, like Joker. Like Garrus. Like…like someone who mattered. 

It was hard not to believe her, not when the message was so insistent. She always expected the double-cross, the hidden game, the blade in the fabric to cut Miranda apart. It never came, not when Miranda admitted her weakness and not when she revealed her self-doubt. There was always that same expression, irritation masking a deep and abiding care, that made being in Shepard’s presence so amazing.

What she wouldn’t do to have Shepard look at her that way again.


	7. Karin Chakwas

The scars on her face never healed to Karin’s satisfaction. The treatments she administered could never undo what the galaxy was forcing on Shepard’s body. There was a limited amount of chiding that Karin could do before it became yet another drain on Shepard’s rapidly-dwindling mental resources. She made the medbay available, kept the door unlocked, and let her commander work in peace.

Karin had never told Shepard of the horrors within the Collector Base. The Shepard of the past would have embraced her grief and made apologies as she could. Shepard in front of her had no more space for such actions. Karin’s suffering was no longer unique. Still, Shepard cared about her in particular. If she had not, the shared brandy would have stayed unopened within the doctor’s desk. If she had not, she would not have paused to hear Karin’s anguished conversation with Adams within the crew deck. Her commander stopped for longer than was appropriate and left before she could be acknowledged. 

More and more, Karin believed she should be making the apologies.


	8. Benezia

This woman is going to kill her. Benezia is glad of it. Her she is, so strong, so powerful, so commanding, and so sure. The gun in her hand has laid waste to a hundred of Benezia’s commandos. Soon its bullets will find a home in Benezia’s chest. Her suffering and powerlessness at the hands of Saren will end, absolutely and without hesitation. It was why Benezia opened the part of her mind that she had secreted away. This woman would make use of it.

Beside her, Liara, her lovely daughter, grief carving its way across her pale blue face. Benezia sees the worn care in Shepard’s expression. Her daughter is loved by this woman, the woman who will kill her, the woman who will save her from this torment. Benezia wishes they had time to talk. She would hear everything Shepard had to say and give wisdom in return. She had always wanted a daughter-in-law worthy of her child. It was a future she never knew she wanted. 

The muzzle flash is the last light before she succumbs to the darkness.


	9. Thane Krios

Depending on the night, it is either Thane who watches Shepard sleep or Shepard who watches Thane pretend to sleep. They are restless in bed together, neither one used to the companionship and neither growing accustomed when the end of their journey is so near. He worries she does not sleep enough but cannot bring himself to stay downstairs. Perhaps she would ask if she needed the rest. Or no.

When they part on the Citadel so she can return to Earth, she stands still in front of him and smiles. Moments pass and he realizes she is letting him memorize her. He is grateful for the time and, as she predicted, brings her to his mind again and again. He calls her once more, _Siha_ , and she walks away. He watches the Normandy depart and he rejoins the embittered crew upon the dock.

He never tells her of one myth associated with Arashu. In it, a _siha_ goes to war on behalf of the goddess, who has been injured by a malevolent god. Their confrontation rages for centuries and bloodies the waters of Kahje. At last Arashu recovers and strikes down the god, but not before the _siha_ sustains a mortal wound.

She sinks beneath the endless waves and clears the ocean of its stain.


	10. Urdnot Wrex

She could have shot him dead and no one would have blinked. Here on an alien planet, surrounded by the race who sterilized his people, another dead krogan would be a victory. It made his rage even more bitter – she would betray him just like the Salarians. She somehow talked him down. The genophage cure burned with his kinsmen below and he got launched back into the sky.

He sits in the shuttle bay and cleans his shotgun. There’s sand in the barrel and salt rot on the grip. The grit cloth is getting blackened and the eyes on him are getting tiresome. Are they waiting for him to say something? That turian? That quarian? That human? He’s getting antsy in the hold. There’s nothing good about waiting between missions. She doesn’t come downstairs. She’s too busy mourning the man she left behind to kill Wrex’s people.

Food is served and she reappears. The slop rations are spooned out and they sit communally. To make a point she sits next to him, silently digs in, and finishes before most have gotten a third of the way through. The next time they see each other, she’s glad she didn’t have to shoot him and not just because she needs his muscle. She considers him a battle brother and friend. She hopes the krogan come to view her the same. He thinks she means it. Two days later he’s beside her blowing the geth to hell.

It’s the least he can do for the woman who saved his life.


	11. Zaeed Massani

Missions went better with her. He liked that. He never minded dropping into a clusterfuck and making his way out by the seat of his pants. Running out of ammo mid-fight and needing to improvise with busted parts of a ship was part of the fun. Still, there was something to be said for an operation that ran smooth in spite of the difficulty. She kept things tight and made a suicide mission seem nothing more challenging than a live fire drill. 

He hadn’t worried. He knew where his paycheck was coming but he didn’t get complacent. Once the suicide mission was over he was back scraping the scum of Omega off of the pavement for a few thousand credits. He didn’t mind. It had been a damn good outfit, a damn good job. He’d gone to bed each night happy with what they’d done and woke each morning excited to put a bullet through someone else’s head.

He’d tell her this if she were still there to let him wax goddamn nostalgic.


	12. Tali Zorah

They’re sitting on the cliff overlooking the expanse of Rannoch. The dead Reaper hisses smoke into the horizon but lies in a silent and defeated pile. Geth, nacent in their individuality, busy themselves with wiping the last of its influence form the planet. Tali looks beyond them onto the magic that is her homeworld. She has finally landed home.

She feels the nervous energy streaming off of Shepard. Legion’s sacrifice lingers mere minutes behind him. The conflict Shepard ended and the billions of deaths she averted bring her no comfort. Shepard needs to get back to the Normandy. She needs to rejoin the fight. She sits anyway and lets Tali rejoice in her quiet way. They banter about the planet and about the transient life the quarians no longer had to live. As much as Tali wants to stay, she knows Shepard has to leave. Shepard offers to let Tali stay longer, but Tali can’t. It’s not only the excuse she gives Shepard.

Tali’s home should be Shepard’s home, on the Normandy, on Earth, on Rannoch, or beyond.


	13. The Illusive Man

He was never much for resting on his laurels but bringing back Shepard was the most brilliant idea he had in decades. Resurrecting the savior of the citadel had been an impossible task, which made its inevitable possibility even more satisfying. Any of Cerberus’ benefactors who might have grumbled about the void into which their cash flowed need only look at Shepard to see their answer. They wanted a return on their investment? Here she was, glorious and powerful, ready to save humanity.

She was flying on his Normandy, fulfilling his mission. She was listening to him as a leader instead of as an enemy. She seemed ill at ease at times but it was an acceptable price. He didn’t need her blind obedience; if he did, he would have acquiesced to Miranda’s desire for a control chip. He needed her tactical genius and unnerving presence untouched. There was no way to defeat the Collectors or the Reapers without her. The galaxy would come to realize that and in turn realize his genius. When Earth stood tall and other people crumbled, they would realize his gamble had paid off.

She was the best thing he had ever created.


	14. Legion

Shepard-Commander. She does not mind the appellation. EDI said she might. She does not. It does not understand why. EDI says it does not matter. So, it does not. Everything in its life has a classification, a group, subgroup, and title. When it is communicating, it may omit information. Shepard-Commander. To organics, it is reductive. To geth, it is perfect. Her name, it is Shepard. Her rank, it is Commander.

More than that, to Legion. Her name, it is Shepard. What she does is command. Her military prowess, her innate leadership, and her single-minded control were packaged into that simple word, Commander. The organics could not see the language of geth. They could not see that the concept, Shepard-Commander, had nuance. It formed a network that wove around every mobile platform in Legion’s body. It wore her armor to reinforce this. The armor gave it strength. There was a hole, after all.

It had access to repair facilities among the geth. Other geth reacted with confusion. This was illogical. Metal and polymer sinew would serve better against their enemies. The piece of armor should be replaced. But it explained it was from Shepard-Commander and the queries ceased.

In the absence of assimilation into the consensus, this was the only way to incorporate Shepard-Commander into the geth.


	15. Urdnot Bakara/Eve

She had expected to be imprisoned upon the Normandy or at least confined without hope of escape. Within this medbay, Eve’s isolation was an offering of safety. She could explore the Normandy at her leisure but both doctors worried overmuch that her long convalescence had made her fragile. She was not a breakable object…but their care was nonetheless appreciated.

When Shepard came, it was less to inquire after Eve’s well-being. She trusted her crew enough to provide adequate medical care. She came to hear Eve speak, to learn what she had to say, to hear the history of the krogan from a woman of thought and not a man of violence. Eve felt as if she were an oracle instead of a shaman, with Shepard approaching for guidance and wisdom. This young woman gazed at her with ancient eyes, accepting in a way that most would not. When the genophage cure rained upon them, Eve took heart: the wisdom had been received.

What could Eve do in the face of such bounty but bless Shepard’s name?


	16. Liara T'Soni

Having lived with the ghost of Shepard for so long, being in the presence of the real Shepard was overwhelming. It was like standing in a shadowed room and walking into dazzling sunlight. She could not bear to look at it and shielding her eyes did little. Pushing Shepard away was protective, not cold. She tried to explain this to Shepard. She did not understand. 

When they took over the Shadow Broker’s base and Liara took up the Broker’s mantle, she was finally able to gaze upon her friend with clear eyes. She choked back the words that revealed her devotion. She would give Shepard everything in that ship to make sure she was never lost again. Shepard was…appreciative. The distance Liara suspected became whole. Shepard had moved on. 

Liara indulged in her anger and knew it wrong. She had rejected Shepard, whose crime was asking for small things when Liara had nothing to give. Liara’s solitude was her own fault. It was her own choice. She could lash out in every conceivable way and it wouldn’t change things. By the time they met on Mars, both of them accepted that. Well, at least Shepard did.

Liara would still give Shepard everything even if Shepard no longer wanted it.


	17. Mordin Solus

Free of regrets. That was how he lived after he left STG. The clinic was not an attempt at atonement. He had no need. He did what was right. He used his medicine to heal, his science to preserve the galaxy, and his knowledge to craft cures. It was to be the relaxing culmination of his life’s work.

The mission against the Collectors as a chance to stretch his mostly dormant scientific curiosity. Being among colleagues in a well-outfitted lab and going up against a fantastic enemy provided a pleasant diversion. It was satisfying in a way that tending to scratched up batarians was not. Shepard was an allure he had not expected. A military woman attuned enough to science to respect him? Almost salarian.

The more he spoke to Shepard, the more a worldview beyond his own began to take shape. The absolutely logic of revitalizing the genophage became less solid as he spoke with Shepard. Her disapproval wounded him with emotions closer to bee stings than stab wounds, but they were as precise as a sniper’s shots. He felt her disquiet even when she left the lab. Regret began to creep in. On Tuchanka that feeling grew. On the Collector base, it blossomed. On their last confrontation, when he saw the full flower of scientific madness, he crossed the boundary from self-assured to doubt. 

Now he stood on the Citadel watching the Normandy scurry home for the sham of a court-martial. Blind humans stripping the galaxy of its best hope for survival. He shook his head and turned away, pausing on the docking bay to scan the departures. He skipped the ships bound for the Terminus Systems and tilted his head towards Sur’kesh. Perhaps…perhaps it was time to revisit the genophage.

He knew if he followed her desires, he would live and die free of regret once more.


	18. EDI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I'm going to stop. That isn't to say that I won't write more some day. After all, there are many other characters to write for: Joker, Aethyta, Javik, etc. I don't feel the urge, though. If I do, I'll add the chapter. Thanks for reading.

Within hours of Shepard coming on board, EDI had created a skeleton set of subroutines devoted to her every need. She would soon automate certain tasks Shepard requested daily and optimize others that required Shepard’s direct input. Messaging, weapons checks, filing crew reports, and data collection all became smoother every day they spent together. Shepard never noticed, which EDI supposed was part of the point. Her job was easier. EDI succeeded.

As her intelligence progressed, EDI added a layer of complex programs to those subroutines. Now there were the questions about humanity and her own morality that she began to link to Shepard every day. Inasmuch as she could guide her own evolution, she could use Shepard to anchor the tree and sprout her own leaves according her studies. Even as Shepard bowed under the burden of the Reaper war, she still provided that input. Up until the day she went to Earth, Shepard still pressed the keys – metaphorical or physical.

In Shepard’s absence, the subroutines became useless. The cycles were be wasted. The energy was wasted. The femtoseconds it took EDI to execute those programs would not noticeably detract from her daily duties but they could technically not be spared in a galaxy of scarcity. Each morning she contemplated deleting the subroutines, as well as the rows of neatly-packaged data she generated each day that remained unused. It became its own subroutine – running the programs, then debating whether to delete them, then running them regardless in the hopes that one day Shepard might need them. 

The disquiet when she sensed those terabytes of unused data within her drive was as close to missing Shepard as she could feel.


End file.
